March 27, 2018

mother breastfeeding baby in bed

I've spent some time recently thinking of how quickly this chapter in my life right now passes. These days when my young ones are still in diapers, looking to me for everything, and seeing the world as new and bright as can be. This chapter that sets them up to the be the men they will become. This chapter they will look back on and share stories of to their future partners, and possibly children. This chapter that is the most fleeting, and yet somehow the most memorable and shaping. This chapter that closes when my boys leave home for good and embark on their own solo journey. I will forever be their mother, but once they leave home that role suddenly and swiftly changes. Oslo and Louie will think back to the kind of mother I was in these early days. They will have their own memories of how I raised them, how I talked to them, and how we spent our days together. These are always the souvenirs we take with us and look back on as we grow old, and are the ones that in many ways define our childhood. Some of them will be good and some we will want to forget. That's life in all of its complicated, messy, and beautiful ways.

Since I am just in the beginning of this chapter, I wanted to reflect on and remember what my motherhood looked like in my eyes, in this very moment. Through still very fresh ones and often times very tired ones. I want to capture my motherhood as well for my boys who will soon be all grown and have their own vision of their childhood. I want to capture my motherhood as I am in the depths of it and unsure what will happen next. Most importantly I want to capture my motherhood before these days are over and our chapter is closing. Before I look back and can't remember all those little details that shaped my boys, and left me as the mother I will be all those years later.

This is my motherhood and the one I want to hold onto even after this chapter is done.

Those early mornings when I am greeted by Oslo at his bedroom door and he calls out in his little groggy morning voice and little smile on his face, "Coucou mama!" I love being the first person he lays eyes on at the start of the day.

When I leave the room suddenly and Louie doesn't know where I've gone, he cries out in a panic, "Mama, Mama, Mama!" When I come back in he welcomes me with a big sigh of relief and smiles.

When Oslo's requests we have pancakes every weekend morning and I always say, "Yes!" He is so thrilled that he hops up on the kitchen counter and wants to make them with me.

How Louie always wants to be near me. He will drag his body from the living room carpet all the way to the kitchen to pull at my socks to let me know he is there.

The way Louie holds my hand so tightly while I feed him.

How Oslo loves to be given a job to help out. He takes such pride in setting the dinner table and helping me to empty the dishwasher, even if he has no idea where anything goes and I have to put everything back properly afterwards.

How out of nowhere Oslo will demand we dance and I have to drop everything, put on music and put on a show for him. He is my greatest audience.

When Louie is restless and I just want him to sleep, so I rock him and sing Norah Jones, he slowly closes his heavy eyes, and I lay him to rest for the evening.

No matter how bad Oslo has been or how mad I am, I always ask if he needs a hug and he always accepts. It calms him down and then looks me in the eyes and with a sweet voice he says, "Sorry Mama", and listens to me when I say what's wrong with what happened.

Louie's size and how at 8 months he is wearing clothing that Oslo wore at 18 months. I can barely hold him for more than 10 minutes, and that's why we lovingly call him our "sack of potatoes".

How suddenly Oslo throws his arms out from across the room and announces he needs a cuddle and comes running at me for a hug. This makes my heart jump every time.

No matter where I am in the room, if Louie and I lock eyes he always gives me the biggest smile.

In the morning when I am getting my mug out of the cupboard, Oslo demands I make coffee for myself. It's like he knows I will parent him better with caffeine in me.

When Louie has been so quiet we almost forget he is there, and suddenly he will shriek loudly as if to say, "Guys I'm still here!" I'm so grateful he is such a chilled out baby.

How every single day without fail Oslo say aloud all the names of the people in our family. He often times forgets a few people and just repeats "Ton Ton Chris and Auntie Al", over and over until I jump in with another name.

When Oslo is being a little rough with Louie and I remind him that Louie is just a baby, and I like to see him be gentle. Oslo then strokes Louie's head to show how gentle he can be and says, "Sorry baby." Louie is always thrilled by this unexpected affection.

Wherever we go Louie gathers a crowd of people who stop to gasp at how he smiles and how beautiful his blue eyes are. It fills me with such pride to see the joy he brings to people, our Buddha baby.

How right now in this moment our family of four feels so content, and complete with the addition of Louie love.

Each motherhood is very different and I would love to know what your motherhood is like? What moments are the ones that you feel will shape you and your children?

These beautiful photos perfectly capture what my motherhood is like every day with Louie and Oslo.  A big thank you to my sister Alex Neary, Wild Eyed Photography for photographing these moments.

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